After a threatened kidnapping and various lewd remarks, Homer is home. Special thanks goes to Dandalion, BlackJuan, and niicboy. And an extra-special thank-you to my mate mystic malcolm and his knock-off parcel force van. Lordy knows what's in there but I've got bruises the size of peaches............

Moving swiftly on, complete with internal light and guy ropes Homer is proud to be displayed outside my lovely block of flats. Oops did I mention I was going to erect him on my porch? Well the porch got stolen last night. That's the problem when a porch comes without guy ropes. (That's a tent in France isn't it niicboy?)

I was going to read the Sunday Papers but a mate has just texted me and told me that George Best is dead! So that's sorted then. No need.

I haven't thought about Xmas presents so might just read the Argos catablog for inspiration. I still lust after the inflatable Homer Simpson Santa. All 8 foot of yo-ho-ho Homer (for outside use only). Complete with guy ropes. Well I'm hardly likely to hammer him securely down in the kitchen or guest wc. Pride of place should be on the roof of the porch. Anything to lower the tone and annoy the neighours. Which should be an easy exercise as nobody ever puts deckies up in our street. I'm not normally so antagonistic. But in keeping with the spirit of xmas I feel honor bound to do my duty.

How do I inflate him? Is he self-inflating? Or do I take him to a shell garage and guess the right Homer pressure psi. And then fully inflated will he fit in the car? I suppose I could ask my mate for a ride home in his parcel force van complete with blow-up doll, all 69.99 of him........... No way, hang on, this is going somewhere else fast.

Quick, change tack ....................................BANG ...........

Before: My dear friend and I (at the bar waiting to be served)

After: Putti from the original painting by Raphael (Sistine Madonna c.1513 oil on canvas) ... much later on - wings gone!

Just took me an entire week to fight my way out of Waitrose. I needed supplies after the shock of being robbed blind courtesy of Westminster Council. A bottle of brandy maybe, a bottle of Aftershock. Yes the shock comes when you take it to the check out. £15 for a bottle of dental mouthwash. But a mere bagatelle compared with the parking penalty.

Still in the words of Alexei Sayle - mustn't grumble. Be thankful it only takes one week to reach the front of the queue of "baskets only". It's a fortnight bed and breakfast if you should choose an item without a bar code. And then the chip and pin machines are on holiday ............ somewhere warm, Mauritius I think. I actually had to use a pen today. A pen! Parker fountain pens and quink to be exact. And here's me thinking they had reached nostalgic novelty value, only to be found in the bottom of christmas stockings alongside the satsumas and lumps of coal.

The inkwell? Next to the non-biodegradable carrier bags love. Do you need any help with your packing?

(Oh Yeah!)..............Just got back from an exceedingly expensive shopping trip in the West End. Starting off with the Apple Store in Regent Street - Yes it is still there. I thought they had relocated. But I think the last time I past that way I was otherwise occupied.

Heading into Liberty - Chloe boots - a mere £600 pounds. It was guess the price. I'm always right. Then a backway to Bond Street. Actually that could be a lyric to a song. Instead of last train to Clarksville, last train to Nashville, last bloody bus to Burnt Oak..........."backway to Bond Street". (Nah doesn't exactly evoke sympathy). Moving painstakingly on to Fenwicks, from there to South Molton Street and then on to a very self-satisfied Selfridges. Selfridges - a veritable riot of escalators from a 21st century Hieronymous Bosch tableau. Deeply uninspired I set off back to my car. And so, set off back to the title of this post. The bit where Ed Rooney gets his car towed away outside Ferris Bueller's house. Yep. 'Fraid so. I never bought a thing today. But it cost me £200 courtesy of the City of Westminster to retrieve my car from the underground parking lot at Park Lane. Towed away, wheel clamped and everything (oh the shame of it). Striding through the underworld £200 lighter and nary a shiny consumer shopping bag to my name, a piped tune weaved its way through the parking pillars. A Beatles-lite version of ..........."ticket to ride"..............

My glass eye did indeed have to be fished out of my gin and tonic last night. Very tired of late, I had been advised by the Chemical Brothers to wear elastic ones - they do and I can now understand why. Well, does this really have any bearing on my invitation to present The Darwin Awards 2005? Yes, I think it does...............but first an introduction by the very reverend Bonaventure Hindwood................."yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. (Camera cuts to grinning oscar nominees and oscar invitation holders).

Back to Bonaventure: "Here then are a few worthy contenders".........

1. A Chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little hopping areound submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

2. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

3. A man walked into a Burger King in Michigan at 5.00am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man frustrated, walked away.

4. A man walked into a store in Louisianna and put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the store......$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?).........

And the winner is ...................

Bloggers can vote for the glorious winner by pressing the red button on their pc keyboard, or by texting "thick as pig shit" (texts cost £3.69 a letter) or by voting on teletext, page 4001. Just before page 4002 and swiftly following on from page 4000. The winner will be announced shortly after Bonaventure Hindwood returns from a missionary posting in Papua New Guinea

(Cues in wavy lines and unfocused blurry stuff) I had a dream t'other night. I was in Brighton. Julie Burchill lives in Brighton and she had invited me to a Princess Diana memorial appreciation tea party. Now I don't really like tea and Julie knows this (I don't really like Princess Diana tea either preferring Earl Grey).

But a trip to the seaside in a wet-echo of a week somehow appealed to my saucy side. The pier, Bob Hoskins wearing star-shaped sunglasses, a chance in a life time to bump into Fatboy Slim and his lovely wife - Edith...........so there was I, Julie, Fatboy, Bob and Moony (some hanger-on hippy type that Julie knew from her younger Tony Parsons journo days). We had taken a drive out into the country. I have to tell you I was quite disappointed. Julie had promised me a trip on her motorbike and then failed to deliver.

Then Fatboy left his housekeys behind and locked himself out. Forever being "always right" and, saving the day, I produced a leatherman multi-purpose tool for Fatboy to break back into his own house and retrieve his keys. If you think that the leatherman multi-purpose tool is for cutting fishing wire or even slicing battenberg cake don't buy one. They are for breaking and entering as Fatboy proudly informed me (he had done this sort of thing before).

So back to the story...... this tea party....never materialised. Instead Moony, Fatboy, Julie, Bob and I drove around the environs of the A27 looking for large wooden toadstools to sit on!!!!!! Well it was ONLY A DREAM

Ouf! (Vigorous sucking in of cheeks). There it is again - that word "Fayre". Synonomous with village stocks, serving wenches, suckling pigs, candied walking sticks and......................well SHITE really. Namely anything marketed as "Traditional Christmas Fayre"

Why? Well, I wrote my first xmas posting way back in August. Truly no joking. The lilies were heavily scented and in bloom. The dusk was a long way off and the ice cream van still came calling. Regretfully it never had lee's "magnificent seven" theme tune but hey sister - you can't have it all. But nobody would take me seriously then. Nobody read my blogs then. But xmas was there then, lurking way back when. And buyer beware! Tread carefully around the malls' this festive (ouf! another one) season. Anything that needs the "fayre" approach needs to be appraised carefully. The discerning buyer should know that anything sold for xmas couched in "fayre" is dubious to say the least...................... Fair enough?