Blimey! Is this what Paddy McAloon had in mind when he penned the above? Bloody horrendous indigestion, after two frenzied food fuelled days. The huge chicken sans plums, the prefab sprouts, the concrete-mix xmas cake, aflame. Not to mention the booze. I said NOT TO MENTION IT. Pass me the bottle.............

Word of the Xmas week (with a nod(dy) to the holder of the JDs world)

Dyspepsia = THE RESULT OF GLUTINOUS GREEDY GORGING

..................... of gaviscon and a tablespoon, no lemon, no ice.

And now for something deep and meaningful as we bring this year to a close. I have NEVER posted pictures, or any form of light relief on my blog, as friends will testify!!! Alas I have succumbed, as my brain pounds and protests with the thought of facing a queue in Woolworths to buy some lego.

So here goes................. spread a little peace and goodwill this Xmas (oh I know people don't like the "x" prefix but tough)

DEAR DOG

Not in the dark. Not on a train
Not in a car. Not in a tree
I do not like them Sam, you see
Not in a house. Not in a box
Not with a mouse. Not with a fox
I will not eat them here or there
I do not like them anywhere

Aw go on then............anything's better than another turkey dinner. Mince by anyone?

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get your started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"......................

Think before you take your mug of tea with you into the bathtub

Does anybody know what has happened to Madame Zuzh? I wouldn't ask this question if I hadn't lost my own crystal ball. (Mine broke when a kind mate offered to wash up after a particularly raucous Tupperware party held over at my house last Friday night).

All the balls were handwashed and left to drain. Crystal balls are neither microwave nor dishwasher proof you see. But Tupperware have decided to market a perspex range just in time for Christmas. And with this new range Tupperware have not only promised to see into the future, they come with a light emitting diode (LED) to eradicate any embarrassing moments from the past for a period of 12 months. So I've orderd half a dozen for various friends. Safe in the knowledge that we can all commit the most appalling acts of depravity at any functions during the up-and-coming party season and simply get the ball to take the fall.

Once my order arrives I'm sure I will know the answer to the question of Madam Zuzh. However we all know how notoriously uncommitted the postal service is at this time of year. Just ask my mate mystic Malcolm. Heaven knows how he managed to procure a parcel force van. It's not even roadworthy. I once ordered a garden gnome (for a friend of course) and I'm sorry to say that when I opened the box the gnome was in smithereens. He shan't be getting a Christmas tip this year.