Summer tyme in ye olde Englishe towne:

An excerpt lifted from "Twelve Sharp - Janet Evanovich"

Grandma bent down to plug in her amp in at the Glastonbury festival and farted in black leather hotpants.

"Oops" she said. "Has someone stepped on a duck?" (heavily intoned in a Barbara Windsor fashion).........

Well the silly season is nigh upon us.

The department of vehicle licensing have issued revised safety standards to all drivers during the World Cup. A red cross on a white background is to be issued forthwith to signfiy handling and competence at the wheel.

One flag like so signfies: LOW ABILITY DRIVER

and two flags signfies: SEVERE LOW ABILITY DRIVER

Who said modern life is rubbish? Blur? Damon Albarn? Don't really care.

The laughing policeman!

The laughing cow!

The last laugh!

Packing my bio terminator yoghurt and rough trade oatcakes into the bottom oven (distracted yer see by the replay of Stevie Gerrard's "done it again" blinding, back of the net bullet). Darn it Sally I wish I had seen the match. Something caught me by the ironicals! Ironicals: a pair of bi-focal lenses necessary for NOT looking at life with a rose-tinted aspect.

The laughing head.

Art apparently rejected by some Bored Bunch of Anuses Tulip-ally challenged. The laughing head displayed on a plinth was dismissed for not being art. However the plinth it was displayed on was deemed a separate piece and therefore considered artworthy.

Which tells you everything you need to know about Modern Art!

BTW: As a personal adviser to the Sniperatti I can tell poor Mr Hensel where he clearly went wrong. Its that ambient wallpaper- top picture. It's doin' ma heed in!

First we had Lord of the Rings, followed by the Gobshite of Gloom (noddin to Stratocast) and coming soon (cues in pseudo, deep, block-buster video, testosterone-y style drawl) for your entertainment pleasure:

THE VENEREAL ODE"

Having just returned from a day out at the osteopath, it's a nice day for a break-bone style pummelling. Well wouldn't anyone rather make that choice than sit in the park at lunch time?

So back to the story. Reading Stratocast's goading reference to the "devil being a pussy" I wish to retort that he is certainly not!

Some one just 'ad a go at me. I was scoffing (not as in the Beano mind) the 666 day/month/year in that hell-hole Marks & Spencer. The simply sadistic branch that just sells grub. Well so far the tills didn't work so I joshingly suggested I'll just do a runner then. A thin-lipped (read tight-arsed) woman looked up and started talking the da Vinci Code. Ha-ha! I'm probably the only person left in the United Kingdom that has not read that book and I'm fiercely proud of that fact.

As I walked out under the bridge, shaking my head in disbelief at the 666 connotation, a mammoth piece of masonry that holds up the M1 fell down and missed me by approximately 3 seconds!!!!!!!!!!!!! The noise of the steel and concrete as it hit the pavement below made me wince (ever so slightly).

What a waste of the osteopath was all I could really think! But wondering if I had actually prodded the horned beast into a little foreplay for the day.

Being a Liverpool kinda gal, my next thought was can I get compo for NEARLY being killed? Must just phone the council.

I'm movin' on up now - Primal Scream. My life shines on...

Oh well I had a bloody good moan about the weather and now I'm burnt. Me and Suzee both. Nowt wrong with a blast of sunshine is there? Geez and mice put those bedsocks away. Well for 3 weeks at least.

Languishing in my 99p swing seat - no it's not a sex swing (Sociopath69 made that accusation). Genuinely bought from Furniture Fetishists Fortnightly just round the corner from the ye olde kebab shoppe, I pondered the existence of wasps. Yes I know this has been done before but I have since learnt from "all you will ever need to know " magazine that wasps are indeed useful insects. They eat caterpillars (why they need all those legs I will never understand) and flies.

Now FLIES........they have to be the most revolting of insects. They fiddle about in poo for gawdsakes!!!! And as soon as you open a bloody window, in they bloody well come. And (outraged tone now) have you ever noticed the minute you pick something up to swat them with, they never land. Those bulbous, Goldblum, mesh covered eyes they have, hone in on any neurotic maniac wielding a newspaper or plastic fly-swatter. And that's when they lead you a merry dance.

Still if the revolting bastas mean that summer has finally arrived, newspaper batons will be used for the blatting thereof!

Summer has finally arrived - all three weeks of it.

Peace in the valley - for now!

I read today that Mr Akers lost his Job Centre Plus job for wearing loud and unprofessional attire to work.

See exhibit A below m'lud

Mr Akers valiantly fought his position from one of lurid attack. Proudly exhibiting his burgundy condom tie and citing that ladies in the office revealed midriffs, belly piercings and tattoos.

Poor Mr Akers lost his job all the same. Clearly a case of SAFE NECKS not working for him then!

Whilst I'm on a roll (I know, reduced to lavatory level once again) I've sadly had to put my guest WC toilet seat out to pasture. Does anyone use the phrase Water Closet now that we've advanced so far up the Prof Winston biological chain?

I suspect some dear house guests broke it discreetly over the bank holiday weekend. But how could I ask them later?

Still it was a treasured possession. A grade I listed novelty item of the highest calibre. Namely a barb wire bog seat with see-thru lid. The barbs were spectacular in the extreme. Many a mirth filled moment ensued when somebody sat on the clear plastic lid without realising!

So imagine my sheer horror when it broke yesterday. Nobody knows the trouble me and my barb wire bogseat have been through together. What could I do with it now?

Well I've hung it up in the garden. Right over the bracket where the hanging basket should be. Actually the bird feeder hangs off that bracket, only now it jockeys for position with my lavatory seat.

Incidentally a gargantuan St George flag flutters beside it in readyness for the World Cup. I'm now wondering whether this bodes well for our boys against Paraguay. Or are they heading straight down the pan?