I was sitting in my MPs office this morning reading the Currant Bun/Sun newspaper. The Currant Bun was Tuesday's edition. The ubiquitous tits on page 3 as always. On the front page was the eternally tedious Diana inquest and the tit-for-twat, cat-calling by Mohammed Al-hang'em Hi-yad

I had an appointment for 10.30am. So I quickly shuffled though my notes, cramming as one does before the interview. Now I need to stress I was trying to present a tolerant front. On no account must my voice warble, nor should I become tearful nor let my thick scouse accent get the better of me. I had to present a balanced, equitable, reasonable approach here. And reading the Currant Bun was the distraction I duly required. Until I read yet another ridiculous outburst by Al-hang'em Hi-yad. Something about Dracula, Prince Phil and crocodiles. It does sound like I've been on the jelly babies again but this I can assure was newsworthy by Currant Bun standards.

Quite unaware of my MPs approach, I snorted and forgetting where I was for a brief moment in time slapped the newspaper on the table and said of Mr Harrod Al-hang'em Hi-yad: "I wish he would JUST FUCK OFF back to Egypt" (in a booming voice thicker than a docker's jam butty) just as the Labour MP for Hendon entered the room with an outstretched hand.

Next stop,.....campaign for London Mayor perhaps? Or at the very least spin-surgeon to Boris windblown Johnson?

OH BOY!

Here's looking at Brit talent!

The rest of you - go home all you false prophets and drug traffickers!

The Brits was a show - a show entitled "The Emperor's new clothes"

Can somebody please detain Sharon Osbourne indefinitely in a Gala Bingo hall. And Kelly Osbourne - is there a point? Apart from looking like a young Ozzy in a taffeta tutu skirt? I loved Black Sabbath. And Ozzy has, in a very refried-mushy-beans-on-toast sort of way, still managed to retain some working class wit. But the mother and daughter combo made me want to eat my pancreas with maple syrup. Gas mark 5.

The Brits is a shambolic presentation of egos parading over talent. With the exception of Mark Ronson and a begrudging nod to Take That, I think they should have all stayed at home and yes that includes you Amy Whine-souse. You've a long way to go yet....that wavering, warbling masquarading as Aretha/Soul Mama/Janis and the skirt-ruching tick does you no favours.

The only real talent on display was the ability to get pissed and gurn at the camera. Well done one and all!

Thankfully I never got the oven hot enough to bake my pancreas in maple syrup as I switched off after 10 minutes. Now if I had a fan oven perhaps I'd have managed.

The Brits - what a load of shite. I rename you the Pitts!

I'm away to listen to some real music.

All day I have meandered aroond the hoose. I'm not usually Scottish but I awoke with a massive hangover this morning and I fail to understand why. I didn't even drink last night. Well not really by binge standards. Binge standards are marked by nuisance behaviour like singing and dancing on the train platforms, loud and exaggerated face pulling and poking people in the upper arm. Yes I think I covered all those last night plus a bout of riotous vomiting in the plastic washing-up bowl. Such a shame really but I blame the scallops. And now I have to meander aroond the hoose wasting a gorgeous day like today (there's nary a clood in the sky) because of a hangover that's still hanging aroond like one lost sock in the tumble drier.

I'll never eat scallops again.

Now I know

Now I know

Now I know.............why Dr Rowan Williams was on numerous occasions mercilessly lampooned on the Channel 4 show, Bremner, Bird and Fortune.

I find his comments on Sharia law most disturbing. Why? Well like all Statesmen, Leaders, Politicians and Head of Religious faiths they make remarks without clear thinking. Remarks so vague that they float in mid-air like a vacuous cartoon speech bubble. Apparently he was quoted as saying: "I wanted to tease out various aspects of our relationship with Sharia law". Whatever that means! This is the sort of mealy-mouthed, clap-trap that spouteth from the gobs of the swaddled privileged. And in this instant it comes as no surprise that Prince Charles has remained schtum on order from Her Majesty and banished to the naughty corner!

Apparently Dr Williams was a brilliant scholar and excelled in every subject bar sport. As a theologian I suspect he never got out much. Most academics live in a rarified atmosphere: a spiritual, ethereal, miasma of mind-bending inpracticalities with knobs-on! Unless of course they are missionaries!

A trip down to Argos would have saved him a lot of bother. As bother he is in now.

Nasal hair trimmers. The stuff middle-aged gents should know about. He could use them on his eyebrows. Useful and practical advice is what he needs right now. And I think he should trim them eyebrows before he is in grave danger of morphing into a very sanctimonious garden gnome.

Forget Sharia law! Most good citizens have enough problems understanding the ass we call the law here.

Will February please leave now..............

Waiting for March and this album

Sheep with coats like thick dollops of clotted cream graze against the blistering, relentless wind, undaunted and unfazed.

Majestic mountains briefly emerge from behind a veiled infinity mirror of cloud and then withdraw.

Two-toned sand, pink and gold. Smooth and cold.

Teal sea crusted with salted spume that bites the back of your hands.

Snow, thicker than egg-whites from a whale omelette

Highland life.......

Is REAL

London life........

Is no big DEAL