So farewell August. Shut the door behind you when you go. No need for a further visit for at least 12 months, longer if you wish to bestow more dismal, heavy, gusty, soggy, damp, pelting stuff all under the misnomer of high-season summer weather.

Bring on back-to-school, Autumn mellow, yellow sunshine. A nip in the air and a crust on the grass. Orange leaves on sturdy trees. Apples, blackberries and harvest festivals. Victoria plums like blushing bums!

A trip into the loft to retrieve all those mothballed winter sweaters has never before filled me with such anticipation, as all the other seasons never seduce with false hope nor delusion. We accept that Winter, Spring, and Autumn will generally be chilly and damp, but a spot of blue sky and perhaps a benign sun then, is a bonus.

Farewell August. You did not even flatter to deceive!

Not for the squeamish this one!

Dr Suzy Gudakunst (I kid you not) keeps sending me emails telling me I'm fat!!!

http://www.topsecretfatlosssecret.com/

Is there somewhere I can complain?

This offensive joke shop, dog turd, intestinal excrement (did I mention it was not for the squeamish) is far worse than Gillian McPooSniff's dictatorial bilge.

We all get spam emails to be sure but I didn't take it so literally. Is this what spam really looks like when not digested?

Further to Fuel Phantom, doom, gloom and the four horsemen of Asda.......top tips stolen from Carol Midgely (bless her) who stoled it from Viz (erudite reading matter for the more discerning among us)...

"VIZ TOP TIPS: SAVE MONEY ON EXPENSIVE BINOCULARS. SIMPLY STAND NEXT TO THE OBJECT YOU WISH TO VIEW"

By now even I have discovered that I love a bloody good bitch. And so far this year there has been plenty to bitch about. There's the cost of things, the price, the tax. The tax on tax. The tax on things that are already taxed and then the rising cost of taxation. But that's boring. There is, of course, the summer! That does indeed deserve a mark of exclamation when many written sentences do not.....

The weather this summer. Has it been here? The summer I mean. Did the sun consider a visit to the northern hemisphere, decide the country's taxation was too high and bypass Blighty for more reliable Turkey?

Well I could say I mustn't grumble but frankly I must...........until I read about the Fuel Phantom. Now if there was one reason for sticking around in a bog-clogged, damp-dour, island that likes to ban everything, the Fuel Phantom is it. Apparently, somewhere, out there is a man in a superhero suit, nudging a nozzle into your tank. You just stand back and think of (idiosyncratic) England whilst Fuel Phantom fills you up!

Fuel Phantom has been sighted at various filling stations across the country. He fills, he pays, and goes-aways. Just don't reach for the after-action, satisfaction fag once full!

Frankie Boyle
You make me soil
My nether gussets
With your twisted wit

Frankie Boyle
The perfect foil
For life's self-righteous
You twisted shit!

Frankie Boyle
To you, I'm loyal
You're just what's needed
Your brains wont quit
You just don't fit
The pc outfit

This could be a rhetorical question but does anybody really give a rat's turd about the Olympics? Anybody at all? I can speak for myself when I say I was bored by this global, gob-dropping circus before it even started. I guess it was the build-up on the news and that Welsh newsreader Hugh Self-Righteous Shoe, on BBC1. Naturally now we feign surprise when the Chinese use images of Batman back-drops to showcase fireworks over the Beijing. Well I thought it looked like a Batman back-drop. The Dark Night? The air pollution is apparently so bad it's always dark, day and night. Night and day.

Please don't let me be living in London in 2012. What a cock ring that will be!

I'm not really arsed about the Olympics one way or another......I'm just sounding off because I've waited in all afternoon for some British Gas Gonk to service summit. You know the drill..........time notification: afternoon between midday and 6pm. Oh here he is now! A minute after 6pm.